FPS Review

PO’ed: Definitive Edition – Review

What do you get if you mix a chef, a quirky sense of humor, first-person combat, and sci-fi-level design? You get PO’ed: Definitive Edition! Nightdive Studios has taken this 1995 FPS and added their own spice in this definitive edition update. But does it make it more digestible?

Never Use A Lazy Recipe. The Cake Will End Up Crazy 

PO’ed: Definitive Edition puts you in the intergalactic chef whites of “Ox”, a chef who thought he could get an easy payday by working on a spaceship where he would be cryogenically frozen for most of the time. Of course, this wouldn’t be an FPS game if this was the case. Soon enough, there’s an alien assault and Ox is left alone, armed with his frying pan and his kickass attitude. This is shown through screens of text rather than cutscenes or art.

That’s about it for the story. Much like many classic FPS titles, the game lets its action and gameplay speak for itself rather than slamming players with narrative.

Using the flamethrower in PO'ed Definitive Edition

A Slice Of Old School

PO’ed: Definitive Edition is one of the earlier 3D first-person shooters, but it’s not exactly remembered with the same fond nostalgia as many of the other early titles in the genre.

The game is set across 26 Sci-Fi inspired levels, which are quite open. This was rather unusual at the time the original was released. Back then, the genre was still very routed in maze-like environments. PO’ed defied that with a much broader scale on the majority of its levels. Unfortunately, this is almost to its detriment. In some cases, it just isn’t clear where you need to be going until you clumsily land on the portal to the next level.

A birds-eye view does help at least. PO’ed has a jetpack and the level design was built around the movement this provides. With how open they are, you can use it to find many secrets just by flying around, as well as to try and get the drop on enemies. It takes a while to get used to, but once it clicks, you’ll realize this is the best thing PO’ed does in terms of gameplay. It’s a shame the game never got a sequel that leaned into the jetpack-based controls further.

Holding a Ray Gun and Alien Enemies

Knifes and Ray Guns

The jetpack and open levels aren’t the only things that PO’ed: Definitive Edition does differently. As your character is a chef, the weapons on offer are themed around that initially. You’ll find yourself armed with frying pans and butcher knives you can throw. The game later opens up with more sci-fi-esque weapons such as ray guns, alien-looking machine guns, rocket launchers, and who can forget the electric drill weapon?

While the weapon choice is unique, none of them feel very good to use. The enemies are bullet sponges and the lack of feedback from the weapons just means that the combat is an arduous task throughout. The rocket launcher has the smallest splash damage I have ever experienced in any FPS game. The flamethrower is rubbish as well, but that is fairly standard in the genre.

Flying enemies are an utter nightmare to take on. The red bats are one of the worse examples, just zipping around with wild abandon, either dodging or tanking your bullets until you land enough lucky hits to kill them or give up and run away. Fortunately, Ox can take a whole heap of damage. This is good as you spend most of the game with the screen flashing red as you constantly take damage. Some sections are beyond frustrating with how much you have to contend with in terms of being hit and having to dive from health pack to health pack.

Bloody Hand weapon in PO'ed Definitive Edition -

Bringing 1995 to 2024

As is normal for them, Nightdive Studios has done amazing work re-releasing this title. It comes with tightened-up controls, improved visuals, and quick save/load features. The ability to save is an incredibly helpful addition, considering that the original game used a password system! The only issue I had with the port was the controls, despite the changes made. I just never felt comfy with the controls when playing either the original or the remaster; I kept jumping when I wanted to run or accidentally triggering my jetpack throughout my whole playtime.

There is also a heap of options. You can tweak the game to offer cheats, turn features off, or make the gameplay more like the original version for those with a serious hankering for the “good old days”. It’s always good when a developer goes the extra mile, and Nightdive Studios has yet again gone above and beyond.

PO'ed Definitive Edition - Iconic butt enemy and a frying pan weapon

A Failed Garnish 

Despite having “tweaked” sprite work and cleaned-up textures courtesy of Nightdive Studios, PO’ed: Definitive Edition is frankly a horrid-looking game. Levels lack any kind of individuality outside of the sci-fi theme and the levels themselves tend to look incredibly plain and almost textureless throughout, which is a giant contrast to the sprite work of the enemies and weapons.

The enemy design is likely the most iconic aspect of the game, and certainly what I remembered from playing the original 1995 version. You’ll find angelic enemies, slimes, and PO’ed’s iconic butts on legs that fart attacks at you. The last one tells you everything you need to know about PO’ed and it’s “humor”. I don’t mind quirky and strange titles. Heck, my favorite directors are Suda 51 and SWERY, both well-known for directing that sort of game. However, PO’ed’s level of comedy sadly induces more eye-rolls than laughs.

Ox is a mostly silent protagonist, which in a way carries over to the soundtrack. I wasn’t even sure if there was music at first and had to turn up the volume much higher than everything else to hear anything. What little music there was didn’t make any kind of impression on me. I can’t even say it was bad, it was just sometimes there.

Ray Gun weapon

Verdict

I recognize Nightdive Studios’ successful effort in porting PO’ed to modern platforms and I’m sure this game has a fanbase. Sadly, I am not part of that fanbase. I had frankly a miserable experience with the core game. Outside of its jetpack gameplay, the combat was horrid and the level design was headache-inducing.

If you have a hankering for classic FPS you’d be wiser to pick up other Nightdive re-releases such as Rise of the Triad. PO’ed: Definitive Edition is the best way to play a game that I wouldn’t recommend anyone play. 

WAIT FOR SALE ON PO’ED: DEFINITIVE EDITION

Platforms: PC, Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4|5, Xbox
Purchase: Humble Store (PC)

If you are looking for another retro first-person shooter, check out our review of Star Wars: Dark Forces Remaster.

Many thanks go to Nightdive Studios for a PC review code for PO’ed: Definitive Edition.

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